Life has been overwhelming on all fronts. At work there is not enough hours to do all the important and impactful work. I don’t feel appreciated for all the great impact I’ve made. Oftentimes it feels like nothing is ever good enough. I appear to have it all but yet I have nothing.
At home, everyday brings a new challenge and doubt in myself. Am I doing enough? Am I spending enough time with my family? Am I setting the right example? Will my children outgrow this crazy phase they are in? Will they be safe? Will they grow to become functioning, productive adults?
How will I pay all of these bills?
There’s always something? Never a moment without a list to think about or do. My mind is just so full ... my body is tired...
And then trauma strikes? I can’t catch a break. God, why are you putting me through this? Haven’t I been through enough?
Under pressure. Under fire. Under resourced. Under supported.
Why me? Is it just me? I dare not mention my struggle. No one will understand. They think I have it all but I have nothing....
No answers. No where to turn. No options. No hope. Despair. My mind can’t handle anymore.
I keep trying...searching for answers. Just darkness. No windows. No doors. No exits.
I’m spinning. Searching. Nothing. There’s a hole that I can’t seem to fill.
If this is you pls know that you are not alone. There is always a door, an option, someone to listen. Someone who has been through what you are going through now and can help you find the light you need - the light that seems absent in every aspect of your life in this moment.
Talk to someone RIGHT NOW! The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24 hours a day. (1-800-273-TALK). Call NOW. You need someone who will hear you in this moment. Some one to talk to so you are not just talking to yourself. The self that has convinced you that no one will listen or understand. That no one loves you or will miss you. That your life does not matter to anyone.
How do I know this because I am someone who cares. Someone who wished that both her mother AND her brother had stopped and called someone - any one - before taking their own lives. If only I had a sign I would have made extra sure that they knew how much I loved them and cared for them. How much I need them everyday. How I wish they were still here for me to hug and cry with. To help. To support.
I am someone who will live the rest of my life wondering, questioning, and wishing they knew how much I loved them.
I will live the rest of my life - every moment I have on this earth - making sure YOU have someone who hears you because THEY didn’t give me a chance to hear them!
Copyright © 2018 by Valerie Rainford. All Rights Reserved